Gear Shifting: Bromides

In my first shift, while introducing some of the most important lessons I learned during the years of MK’s illness, one stuck out as demanding my early attention. I call this lesson The Bullshit of Bromides.

As a caregiver there were several of these Pablumesque pieces of supposed advice, which caused me to shudder and get hot under the collar every time I heard them. Early on I was confused as to why they seemed to be repeated over and over to me. Year in, year out! Some folks uttering them only once, others repeating them every time we saw or spoke to one another. The worst was when I would kindly ask the individual to not say it again, explain why, and yet having them continue saying them anyway!

The only rationale I have ever been able to think of is that uttering these bromides serves to make the utterer feel better. To the listener, however, they do nothing. They offer no value and at least with me were akin to rubbing salt into my raw wounds rather than apply any kind of salve.

For your edification, I offer my worst offenders here in the hopes that when you next run into someone under stress you think twice and hopefully eliminate them from your vocabulary.

#1 – ‘You’re a saint’. Damn, how I hate this one! That’s why it’s number one in this hit parade. Every caregiver I have ever known has been plagued by feelings of shortcomings. There is always, and I mean always, more for a caregiver to do than time to do them. We’re always worn out, exhausted, at times short-tempered, and keeping an eye on those things which need doing but are forced to the wayside of our lives. We always believe we should be, and could be, doing more for our patient than we are. This eats at us, gnaws at our gut, and causes our hearts to ache day and night. So calling me a saint was the equivalent to giving me a harsh slap across my face. It was mocking me by insisting I was doing everything demanded, when I totally knew I wasn’t.

#2 – ‘Take care of yourself’. This is perhaps #1A, rather than #2. Why? Mainly because it’s so incredibly insulting! You see, while I’m living my life taking care of a person who desperate needs my constant help and attention, you think I don’t know how much I should be taking care of myself as well? Do you think I don’t realize I haven’t had the time to see my doctor or my dentist? Do you think I’m not acutely aware the physical maladies I feel? Do you not think I know I’m not eating a proper diet and refueling on too much coffee? Don’t you believe if I had a few minutes to take care of myself, I would? Perhaps you’re implying that if I had a few moments I’d instead sit and drink myself into a stupor at the local gin joint rather than care about myself?

#3 – ‘God doesn’t give you more than you can handle’. First off, most who say this one think they are quoting scripture, but they aren’t! This is NOT anywhere in the Bible and while I haven’t checked the Torah or Koran, I doubt it’s in those either. Once again, while uttering this may make the person saying it feel better, it’s one more insult we, as caregivers, have to shoulder. Think about it – what you are saying is basically that no matter how bad or overwhelming the demands of the situation become we HAVE to be able to manage it! Can you imagine the guilt this inflicts on a caregiver who has to make the decision to put their patient in a care institution? A crushing decision, made worse by those telling that same person god would never give them more than they can do. Sometimes the demands of caregiving are simply impossible, no matter what the uninitiated may think.

#4 – ‘You’ll get your crown in heaven’. This one is grating too. Why not just say ‘hey, go out to the county fair and win yourself a big teddy bear’? Caregivers are undertaking the care of their loved one because they love their patient – not for some piece of glitter or personal reward. Caregivers are worn out, exhausted, wishing for nothing more than a good night’s sleep, the house to clean itself, the piles of dirty laundry to wash themselves, or perhaps the car to not make that new noise when they start it tomorrow. Caregivers are working in the here and now! The needs of their patient will not wait – there are meals to make, baths to be given, and medications to be provided exactly on schedule. We may, on occasion, look to the sky and say ‘good god’, but we never say ‘hey, I’m in this for my personal glory’.

#5 – ‘You need to get some help’. You think? You think I haven’t tried? First let’s realize that help isn’t free so first comes the economic calculation. Let’s say, $15 an hour (often more), times 8 hours a day (often more), times 6 days a week, times 4.5 weeks in a month. That comes out to adding $3,240 a month to the budget – or just shy of a cool $40,000 a year. And that’s if you can find good quality, committed, reliable help for $15 an hour. Want to use an agency? Go to at least $25 an hour. Think it’s easy to find adequate help? Here’s a sample of how easy it was for us: the care companies who suddenly one day went out of business with no warning; the help who, while scheduled, just never showed up; the companies who refused to take us as a customer since they deemed our loved one to be ‘too needy’; the help who abused our patient; the help who tried convincing her they deserved a place in our will; the help who broke into our house, stole from us, and vandalized our home. Help? Sure help would be nice. Are you offering to do a few hours a week for us?

So the Lesson here is this: Take your bromides and shove them – into the garbage can! Erase them, delete them, or white them out!  I don’t care how you do it, just get rid of them!

You want to feel better around a caregiver? Actually offer to do something for them!  No matter its size, the appreciation will be huge!