International Women’s Day: Meet the Strongest Woman of my Life
I’ve been very lucky to have several strong women influence me throughout my life. My mother and mother-in-law, one particularly stellar boss, a daughter, and a daughter-in-law. Heck, even the best hunting dog of my life was a female. Each of these women made me a better person as a result of their caring, nurturing, and love for me.
However, the very strongest woman in my life was my wife! No doubt about it.
We first met 44 years ago and I knew she was a strong woman from the get-go. Working two jobs, carrying a full load in college, engaged to someone other than me, she invited me out to lunch and ordered for us – two vodka gimlets and one chef’s salad to share. Strong enough to take the initiative.
She overlooked my shortcomings, idiosyncrasies, even my choice in clothing, and accepted my bumbling marriage proposal while dressed as Raggedy Ann and Andy. Strong enough to see potential in someone who at that time was simply a hot mess.
She was even strong enough to get this confirmed beer drinker to embrace big, bold, red wines!
During our 41 years of marriage she would become a noted interior designer, owner of a chain of children’s clothing stores, mother of two, builder of six homes for us, and a published entertainer and chef. Strong enough to multitask long before I ever heard the word.
She was strong enough to endure the myriad of day-to-day highs and lows that are a part of marriage, including being the driving force in getting my father into alcohol treatment the first time, raising over a dozen Labrador retrievers, and seeing her own mother through her journey in dementia.
But it wasn’t until June, 2002 when she received her diagnosis of brain cancer that I would witness a whole different level of strong in this woman. While her diagnosis would have been enough, immediately after surgery she suffered a massive bleed in her brain, which left her paralyzed. Unable to walk, talk, eat, drink, read, write, or even swallow. It would only be six months and this woman would, after multiple physical and occupational therapy sessions daily, see her son walk down the aisle at his wedding and standing before a crowd give her own toast to the new couple. Strong? You bet! But there was more to come.
As her brain cancer war continued and her abilities weakened daily, her strength simply grew! She would fight her war for over 14 years and never take one day, or part of a day, off. Never felt sorry for herself for a single one of those more than 5,100 days! Never complained as she struggled with a cocktail of 32 doses of medications daily. Strong? Indeed!
Then there was the day, sitting in our kitchen during a telemedicine session with her neuro-oncologist at The Mayo Clinic, she heard she should ‘strongly consider’ hospice care for what most likely would be less than the final six months of her life. I cannot imagine the strength it took her to reply ‘yes, I will’ to her doctor, but she had it.
She was so strong she fought her war from her home hospice ‘bunker’ for over 14 months! Over those months she lost more of her abilities, more of her dignity, more of her humanity, but she never, ever gave in or gave up. I rarely talk about it, but for the final 57 days of her life she ate nothing! FIFTY-SEVEN days! Can you imagine what strength she possessed even then?
And what did she do in her final days? She cared about others. She made sure all her goodbyes were said, her affairs were as she wanted, and lastly designed her Celebration of Life rather than a funeral. She even picked the wines to serve.
Tonight I shall raise a glass of Merlot, which was her favorite before all the medicines, and offer a toast to all the strong women in our world today – but most of all to my best half!
This one’s for you, MK!